Adulting 101: Saying goodbye to my pet dog of 15 years has taught me how to live with grief

SINGAPORE —  Whenever I think about the year 2021, tears well up and I feel this lump in my throat as grief overwhelms me with the memory of that fateful day when my pet dog left my life permanently.
My dog was a lively and mischievous white Maltese who became a part of the family as soon as we laid eyes on him.
He was considered the runt of the litter, a tad smaller than his siblings, but we were won over by his human-like personality which made him stand out.
While I’m comfortable writing this column about the loss of my dog, I can’t bring myself to publish his name as this would be too painful.
Having my dog with me for half my life, since about the age of 15, I had always been aware that eventually I would lose him.
This only increased when he had health issues requiring regular rounds of treatment.
Our family eventually lost him on a gloomy September morning in 2021 when he was 15 years old. 
When we woke up to find that he had passed, I remember feeling like my whole world had been completely shattered.
It’s the only time I have felt truly heartbroken as waves of anguish washed over me. I remember going through a series of emotions, and the one that stuck with me was the feeling of regret. 
A week after his cremation, I quit my job and fell into this routine of having full-on meltdowns every day. I lost interest in doing things that I used to love and avoided going to places which reminded me of my dog.
I am the youngest of my family, with one older sister, and after joining the family, my dog had been my closest companion.
During my secondary school days, he accompanied me while I studied and waited for the rest of the family to come home from work. When I was sad, he’d be the one sitting next to me, offering comfort. 
For all these reasons and more, his death was especially hard for me to process because I felt like I failed him by not being there for him when he took his last breath. I regretted having spent all my time doing other things when I could have used that time wisely with my dog.
It did not help that the sudden jarring emptiness at home only made it more evident that he was no longer around.
As my family watched me struggle with my grief, I was grateful to have them rally around to support me in whatever way they could.
From offering a listening ear to talking with me about the happy memories of my dog, they did their best to listen and understand to help me cope with the overwhelming emotions.
Looking back on 2021, I am surprised that the death of my pet had affected me as much as it did.
Despite the understanding from my family, I still feel slightly embarrassed whenever a relative makes a comment about how dramatic I had been over the death of “just a pet”.
Wondering whether this was abnormal, I spoke to grief experts to find out how the emotional impact of losing a pet compares with losing a human, and if my grief will ever go away.
“The grief for a pet would not be less and for some people it would mean even more grief as the love and care invested is more than that of a human,” said Dr Geraldine Tan, director and principal psychologist of the Therapy Room.
She added: “A pet’s love is unconditional and therefore irreplaceable.”
Dr Sylvia Tan, founder and principal counselling psychologist at Sylvia Tan Psychology Consultancy echoed this sentiment.
She said some studies have found that grief over a pet can last longer than grief for a human, and those who grieve over a pet’s death are three times more likely to develop symptoms of depression than the average person.
She also pointed out that in cases like mine, where the pet is seen as a source of comfort and companionship, the death would be much more significant and impactful because of the deep connection shared.
The experts said one misguided belief about grief they often hear is how it has a fixed timeline or an “expiration date”.
They said that it is common to think this way because of a general misconception that if someone is still feeling sad after some time has passed since the death, the person is somehow not moving on.
To this, Ms Alexandra Bohnen, senior counsellor at Sofia Wellness Clinic said: “Grief is not linear, and while the intensity usually lessens over time, it behaves more like waves that hit us.”
I felt a sense of relief hearing that what I had been through was a normal reaction to the loss of an important companion in my life.
It feels rather validating as well, knowing that even if I cry when I miss my dog, it does not mean I’m being overtly sensitive.
When I asked if this grief I feel will ever go away, Ms Bohnen advised that it will get easier as the waves of emotion become less frequent and less intense as life moves on but I would learn to live and grow without my dog with me.
I take that advice with me now whenever I feel those tears well up.
It’s been more than 18 months now and while my emotions have settled for the most part, I still have days when I burst out crying from seeing an owner interact with their dog or come across a TikTok video talking about topics such as “Five ways to know your dog loves you”.
In a way, my grief has taught me a lot about myself and while I know that I will always miss him dearly, it will eventually get easier with time.
ABOUT THE WRITER:
Jasmine Ong, 32, is a journalist at TODAY.